My goal in life, once, was to speak five languages. I vacillated on whether English would count as one of those languages, since it's my native language. But, that was my goal. It was a very important goal to me. To date, I've formally studied Spanish and Japanese and informally studied Korean while living in Seoul. If I count English, I made it to four big ones. I sometimes thought Russian would be my fifth, but sometimes Hindi--or Mandarin/Cantonese, just for the sake of practicality. I already watch too many Chinese-language dramas on Netflix.
That was my goal. I held on to it for a long time simply because it was the only goal I had. I had no other feasible goal in my life, so to stay sane, to give a life that I could see no meaning to at least some meaning, I held on to the future, attainable goal of fluency in five (or six) languages.
Studying languages is fun, though. I love learning how other cultures think--because isn't that all grammatical structures are? Different patterns of thought? I always ran into the problem of not finding anything I wanted to read, watch, or listen to in the language, though. I'm not exactly a fan of Japanese culture; I'm a fan of the Japanese language. Korean culture is a lot more accessible to me because I lived there, so I was able to stand on the land, among the people, and find a kind of cultural niche. With other cultures and languages, the majority of cultural material those of us not in the country have to choose from has already been heavily curated and limited for us...
Right now, I'm entering a new season of taking hold of a goal I've never actually had the courage to pursue. I've held on to it so lightly, letting go at the slightest sign of difficult or the faintest fear. As long as I continue to post regularly to this blog, you'll know that I'm maintaining my hold on this goal. That I'm working toward being published and living my life as a novelist. It's so hard, as many of you who have been blogging so much longer than me know. But I'm going to stick with it.
I spent a lot of years of my life unconsciously living according to some type of formula. But all that formula got me was depression, anxiety, and regular periods of struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses. I wasn't made to be that kind of person, to do and be the kind of person I was trying to be. Two years ago, I walked away from everything in my life because I found a goal that was more compelling than any other I had ever had. And over the last two years, I achieved that goal. Looking at my life from the aftermath of all of that, I know that to go back to a life in which I actively allow myself to put aside writing would be to put myself back into that suicidal cycle.
When you find what you are made to do, do it.
When a pattern keeps repeating, and the end result is still bad, stop doing it. Change. That life wasn't for you.
I still have fear over failure. My writing is my treasure; to share it with the world and be repeatedly beaten down--to sell nothing and gain no readers--would break my heart. I know that won't happen, though; I already have readers who love my book and can't wait for future books. But it's the fear--the unknown--that binds us. If we let it. It's an invisible prison, and accepting its presence is the first step to enslaving ourselves to even greater enemies. I refuse to let depression back into my life again. I refuse to give any ground in my life to anxiety.
I want to live. So I am.
Commentaires